Trolls Are Dumb

In a pathetic attempt to shut my brain down and not to have to think or do anything remotely constructive, I have blitzed myself with harry/draco again. In the course of what is probably a fairly unremarkable fic, I found a hilarious passage on trolls. You should read it. C'mon, you know you want to. It's really very funny. And it doesn't even have to be specific to the Harry Potter fandom if you're picky about these things. And there're no references to slash in it. Promise. Somewhere in part 12 of Breaking Destiny by Dangermouse, is the passage that I've dumped in the extended entry thingie. Sometime in the probably non-existent future I'll figure out some really dandy tech way of linking to that and making it look all swish. But until then I really can't be bothered, and I'm going to hide behind the motto that it's actual content that matters.

Oh, and it terms of my own fic, I feel I accomplished a great deal today. Killed a new character off, at least.

Breaking Destiny itself, is, as I said, fairly unremarkable. Apart from the one fact that Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy aren't evil, and are in fact devoted parents. A first for everything, I suppose. And the tinsy little thing that Dumbledore, Alastor Moody, and all the aurors are evil. I'm jumping up and down in glee at this a little. I said, I said, at the end of book 4, I said it would be really easy to make Dumbledore into an evil character. I said it, and everyone else laughed at me, and gave me stranger looks than usual. It can be done, however, as evidenced by this fic. Of course, I don't think JKR is actually going to go down this route, but I also don't think it's as batty as everyone else would like me to think. These are, of course, the same people that told me during season 1 of Angel that I was crazy for thinking the writers were going to canonize Cordy/Angel. That Buffy/Spike would never happen. I guessed the key to Final Destination, and the twist to The Others. I really think I've earned the right to be looked at with quiet lack-of-conviction rather than mocking ridicule-and-disbelief. So neurrrgh.

In terms of real life stuff, my mother has managed to find yet another person that's off to Cardiff in September. Yet another person I'm supposed to meet up with. Yet another "familiar face" I'm supposed to acquaint myself with. I'm beginning to get the impression that this University lark is just a wannabe-academic's version of an escort agency. I'm getting pimped around by practically everyone I know. I signed up for the wannabe-academic's version of a piss-up, I don't know what the hell this is.

Trolls are dumb.

It's an undeniable fact. Trolls are truly, magnificently stupid. They are, however, very, very stubborn. When given a task, they will do that task, unyielding and without fail, until they are given a different task or they die. The task needs to be simple, though. For example, a good task to give a troll might be, "Smash this building," or "Stomp on this person," or, perhaps the best task of all, "Guard that door."

Skrietrag had that final task. "Guard that door." That was what he was told to do and that was what he was doing. Actually, the full instructions he'd been given had been, "Guard that door and kill anyone who wants to walk through it and isn't me or my ilk," but Skrietrag, in his limited troll-logic, knew that was simply an understood addendum. Not in so many words, of course, but he still understood what he was supposed to do.

"Guard that door."

He'd done a good job so far. No one had gone through the door that wasn't supposed to. In fact, no one who wasn't supposed to go through the door had even attempted it yet, so to be fully honest, Skrietrag was feeling a bit putout. Trolls, in addition to being completely dim, were also unarguably violent creatures, most content when they were busy smashing the non-troll things that ran around. Actually, smashing troll-things was fun, too, although they occasionally smashed back. But smashing things and getting smashed by things - well, that was a regular troll holiday.

Skrietrag really wanted to smash someone or something.

So, when the female-human-thing suddenly appeared out of thin air right in front of him, his rather large troll heart started to beat faster with the anticipation of smashing. He grinned in the unique way that only trolls can grin, raising his hammer, looking forward to the squish-crunch sound non-troll human-things made when smashed. He raised the mighty weapon high, preparing to bring it down, until the funny feeling that something was wrong halted his movement.

Human-things usually made high-pitched screeching noises right before they went squish-crunch. This human-thing did not. In fact, this human-thing was looking at Skrietrag with an expression that was making the troll's stomach feel bad and fluttery, like when he'd eaten too many of the human-things he'd squish-crunched at a village one time. The hammer faltered in the air and fell at his side. Skrietrag squinted at the human-thing, then sniffed.

The hammer fell to the ground and Skrietrag stepped back. This was not a human-thing that would go squish-crunch if he smashed it. This was a not-human-thing that would be squish-crunching him if he tried to smash it. The not-human-thing stared at him for a moment more, then calmly walked past him and through the door.

Trolls are dumb.

But they're not that dumb.

Posted by Missiedith at August 29, 2003 10:29 PM