Rigor Mortis

To the tune of That's Amore:

When you can't move your head 'cause you've been too long dead,
Rigor Mortis!
When you can't bend you back 'cause it's likely to crack,
Rigor Mortis!
When the bones all up your spine are as weak as cheapest twine
And your knees feel quite creaky,
And when your skin comes away 'cause it's all flaky and grey
You can feel rather peaky.

When you always feel cold and your clothes smell like mould,
Rigor Mortis!
When you spend all your time looking up at a lid of pine, you grow weary.
When your coffin seems cheap and you wonder "Who the hell bought this?"
Never mind, the worst thing about being dead's Rigor Mortis!

(When your bones make a sound like dry twigs on the ground)
Rigor Mortis!
(When you start losing weight and a frightening rate)
Rigor Mortis!

You wil stink
Like a student sink
And you start to think
You could do with a shower
(at least every half hour)
You'll come to terms
With all the germs
And hungry worms
As you push up the flowers.

When you're six feet below where the grass tends to grow,
Rigor Mortis! (Rigor Mortis)
When you can't reach your socks 'cause you're stuck in a box, it gets dull.
When folks who are brave urinate on your grave and don't notice.
That is still not as bad as when you suffer from Rigor Mortis!

Mortis
Rigor Mortis!

by Dean Burnett, director of the ACT1's production of Spike Milligan's only play, The BedSitting Room.