February 26, 2004
Why Homosexual Marriage Should Not Be Legal
Shamelessly pinched from Anatketani, who, as is the way with such works of genius, got it from myburningviolin, who got it from a friend of a friend twice removed on her cat's maternal cousin's side.
[Update]: Having been contacted, I am delighted to reveal the true origin of this piece, the Gator Gay-Straight Alliance.
Top twelve reasons homosexual marriage should not be legal:
- Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
- Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world definitely needs more children.
- Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents raise only straight children.
- Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour-just-for-fun marriage was so meaningful.
- Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
- Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
- Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
- Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
- Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
- Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
- Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
- Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a 'separate but equal' institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
You mean you don't know about the guy and his horse? http://web.dailycamera.com/livingarts/pettem/25phist1.html
Okay, it wasn't allowed because she was too young but if you had a tortoise or something...
Posted by: Kevin at February 27, 2004 12:24 PMA day may come when we are forced to confront the blatant discrimination of speciesist extremists. When the walls of science come crashing down, when we all drive flying cars, wear lycra, and turtle-origined mutants from the planet Zarf demand equal rights. But this is not that day. And I for one am bloody grateful.
Posted by: Missiedith at February 27, 2004 1:15 PMThe Gator Gay-Straight Alliance created this list for a Valentine's Day project. We are happily tracing it all over the internet. Please link directly to our site at www.GatorGSA.org/gaymarriage.html Thanks for spreading the word! :)
Posted by: Gator Gay-Straight Alliance at March 1, 2004 3:11 AMI was worried when i read the title of this post, but then i realised you were making a point.
You go girl, stick it to the man!
Posted by: Richard at March 2, 2004 1:24 PMWhy does it matter if "gay" people get married? Is it hendering you in any way??? Are the hurting you? The last time I checked they were normal people. They have feelings. I think that the "gay" people should have a right, but until they do they don't need people like you to bring them down.
Posted by: kristi at March 25, 2004 2:37 AMThis article is the most pathetic thing ive seen in my life
Posted by: Dan at April 19, 2005 6:47 PMwhere do these people get off, thinking they can critise a sect they themselfs are not a part of therefore how can they say that homosexuality is wrong
tash and bek
iam outraged at this collum,obvilously the person who wrote this is not a homosexual because if he was then he'd obviously understand the feelings of any homosexual who'd be reading this.
Posted by: liam at September 28, 2005 1:35 PMwho cares if they are gay if you just mind your own business and leave them alone then everything is okay.It may not be what you want but whatever makes the gay and lez people happy then leave them alone. what have they did to you let me guess most likely nothing. so make a choice and think hard about it What if someone in your family turned gay would you laugh and make fun of them and disown them.Not if you really loved them.
Posted by: destiny at November 8, 2005 3:52 PMsay you whre black and a girl / boy you liked was white would that stop you from asking them out or liking them....most likely not.So that goes for the gay people and lezbos if they like their own genger than let them.
Posted by: destiny at November 8, 2005 3:57 PMOk mr homo hating hypercrit, here's a pretentious faggot ready to answer each and every crappy comment you had to make.. hmm lets see, I'll quote and then answer shall I? Here it goes..
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
No, but nore are actual glasses we wear on our face, but without em, we wouldn't be able to see now would we? its called evelution, get over it.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world definitely needs more children.
Well there's an interesting theory, except from the fact that its not actually proven. I happen to know a reasonably old couple who has not long announced that the missus is pregnent, and well, guys jurk off and sperm banks, whats wrong with using that method? I produce plenty of it when there's 2 of us, right? :-P
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents raise only straight children.
Oh? well go tell that to my mum, ass hole! She's definatly straight and I'm definatly gay. This statement is moronic, just about every child, straight or gay are normally logically born from straight parents, dumb ass. And yet, even though I was brought up by a straight parent, I still am queer as the "cum".
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour-just-for-fun marriage was so meaningful.
Meh, most straight marriages are less meaningful anyway, take my dad for example, was married for about 5 years, been with the woman for about hmm.. a good 15 or so years and now she's actually having an affair, isn't that interesting? A straight couple, betraying one another, oh wait.. thats what homo's do isn't it? we're about as fucking meaningful as any other.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
Actually I have never known blacks not to be allowed to marry and as for divorce I've seen it done plenty of times so your testomony here is bullshit. As for heterosexual marraige there was once upon a time where no one really gave a fuck who you were with and marraige didn't mean a thing, the only reason it has been around for a long time is because religious people thought it was a good thing to do in the eyes of god.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
Personally I don't think marraige should be decided by anyone! If god really existed I think "it" should have the right to view happiness and love in all "it's" children and I say "it" because unlike most people I don't believe god has either sex or appearance. We are all equal, all human and all born from the same place, we all have the same right to be married and no one should have the right to say otherwise.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
Yeah well no offense but Americans are nothing but hypercrits. You say its "land of the free" yet you chased the Indians out and killed whoever stood in your way. If you all believe in one religion, I say you should all go to hell for your sins!
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
LOL hanging around with tall people will make you tall, OMG thats thee most stupid thing I have ever heard. Growing is nature just as gay is nature. We are gay because that is who we are, and they are tall because that is who they are. Its the way we grew up, its in our blood.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
Ok, if you can get some mut to pick up a pen and say I do I'll fucking find you a priest to marry ya :-P
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
Excuse me mr know it all but I was raised without my father around and I happen to think my mother dead one hell of a great job of raising 3 children, preticually all by herself or with men that treated her badly! Yeah, another "heterosexual" unsuccessful relationship yet she succeeded in raising her kids to be respectful, intelligent, healthy, strong, loving people. And no, we're not all gay, my sister and brother are hetero's and I love them very much and they love me. So, I say, if one woman alone can raise 3 kids, I don't see why any man or woman on this planet should be any different.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
Evelution is an on going thing, everything adapts in one way or another. And besides, its not like we gays have any choice in adapting to your every day society and rules of what we can and can't do, so I think a little equal rights isn't going to really be much of a bad thing since we're not telling you to stop loving each other, stop kissing each other, stop fucking each other etc, we just want the right to live, together.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a 'separate but equal' institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
Yeah, and those who were seperated from main schools also felt missplaced and like they didn't belong in every day society. Where's the equal rights in that? I don't think anyone should be isolated and treated differently, we're all human at the end of the day and its not right to separate just because we behave different or look different.
There, I hope that covers it all and maybe opens your eyes a little, and if not, well, I haven't got to prove myself to you anyway.
Posted by: Crimson Divine at November 11, 2005 2:38 AMI'm just gonna write this very simply for the sake of comprehension... the original post is PRO SAME-SEX MARRIAGE it's entirely sarcastic, to the last person who posted, no hanging about with tall people won't make u tall ur right - that was the point that the first person was making. I suggest u read the original again with this in mind. The poor person who wrote it was trying to make a serious point in favour of same-sex unions and got a load of people who actually stand for the same thing jumping down their throat!
Posted by: Han at January 22, 2006 6:37 PMOh god, I wonder about the sanity of the human race sometimes. I'm 14 years old and I understood that the whole thing was sarcastic. Are you people (the commenters) on crack or mentally retarded? And I mean that in the nicest of ways :)
P.S.
Did you know that standing around stupid people too long with cause life-long stupidity?
This course is a brilliinant idea this will probably not be posted as this website acts to promte gay people as completely in the right all the time well this is not the case. They can make mistakes and they do this course is a step foward after all the only to remove intollerance is to cure those people who are ailed with the illness of homosexuality. Their should be a body set up which acts tocounter ac tthis daft movement to suppress funds to people on the course and to discriminate against people because the are actully doing something to cure themseleves. If you have a headache you take an asprin tablet, this course is like ann asprintablet for poofs.
Posted by: Jackdo at December 2, 2006 1:23 AM