The Very Secret Diary Of Paris, Prince Of Troj

A/N: Because every fandom needs a not as good as the original attempt at Very Secret Diaries. Here's mine. Thanks as always to my darling beta, S.

Day 1

Menelaus is very butch, but not as butch as Hector. Love Hector. But I like Menelaus' beard, it tickles in just the right places. Spent the night in Menelaus' room again because bed is just so bouncy. Skinny girl with too much jewellery who's always strangely there whenever I am whined that I'd get in trouble, but told her it was ok because Menelaus did say it was. It's true, he said I was welcome in his bed absolutely whenever, and it is just so bouncy.

Also, someone tried to pinch my bum. May have been skinny girl, but cannot be certain.

Day 2

Skinny girl's name is Helen, of Various Places. Wanted to come on boat with us, but made her remove some jewellery before allowing her on as did not want to sink.

And then she kissed me and then that was nice.

Hector is mad at me. Seems to think wife-swapping not so popular in Sparta.

Day 3

Glad to be back in Troj. Hector keeps complaining that hot sex was disturbing steering even without the jewellery.

Introduced Helen of Various Places to Father and he got a little confused. But then she showed him the remainder of her jewellery and he seemed to understand.

Briseis is now a priestess, and definitely pinched my bum. Poor confused girl.

Day 4

Greeks have arrived. Hector is being an arsey told-you-so.

Tried counting boats but got distracted by african swallows and pineapple. More than when I tried to run off with Oddyseus, but fewer than Hector got when he eloped with Achilles.

Sick of Helen getting more boats than me, am convinced going blonde will solve problem. Will maybe try new braiding style. Or a hat. But not one with a feather, because that would just look silly.

Day 5

Am going to challenge Menelaus to a fight thing. Last time met up with Oddyseus he mentioned latest wily theory, something to do with what he was calling genetics. Suggested that because Hector very butch, I must also have basic degree of butch. Right? Right. Menelaus is dead meat.

Helen came in late tonight, and then we had hot sex. She is completely shameless, and did not even bother to pretend that she wasn't shouting for Hector. Have forgiven her, as I may have been doing the same.

Am forward-thinking Prince of Passion and have always been very supportive of wife-swapping. Andromache is totally hot. But not as hot as Oddyseus.

Day 6

Father gave me new sword for the fight thing. Except it's not a new sword at all, but really a very old one. Have been told it should kill things just as well.

When it actually came to fight Menelaus seemed very upset. Apparently, it wasn't him pinching my bum after all, I now know that when he pinches it's really very easy to tell it's him due to the blood and the pain and the not nice. Throwing my hair about tactic did not work as well as planned, and was so traumatised by pinching I crawled back to Hector. Love Hector. He so butch. Way more butch than Menelaus, and Menelaus now very dead.

Did not stick around for big battle as by this point hair was a bit of a mess. Achilles wasn't there in any case, but I'm sure Oddyseus would have noticed.

Day 8

Hector found out about Patroclus and both are now very dead. Achilles still has bad hair.

Both Helen and Father very upset. I may also be very upset, but I don't have enough facial expressions to be certain.

Day 10

Snuck out to meet Oddyseus in his large wooden sheep for hot sex. Helen found a splinter in my bum and is saying she'll leave me.

Day 13

Oddyseus has quite the wooden menagerie fetish. Will never look at a camel in quite the same way ever again.

Day 17

Or hamsters.

Day 20

Greeks finally seem to have buggered off.

Handiwork on large wooden horse looks alarmingly familiar. Suggested to father that he should burn it before we all die of syphilis but was ignored, as usual.

Day 21

Am not sure where Greeks burning city came from, but am fairly sure heard argument over lube coming from outside temple to Poseidon. Ran for bow and arrows immediately, as know exactly how violent Oddyseus can get when in pursuit of lube.

Interestingly enough, have learned to kill things. Briseis seems to think I have been getting a bit carried away with this, but Achilles never mentioned anything. Then again, I didn't speak to him for long as bum-pinching in temple was unbearable.

Helen has run off with sister-in-law. Said I was not girly enough for her any more. Tried to get Oddyseus to sell me some of his new Friz-Eze hair straightener as was fleeing city. Am certain new hair would get her back but former love of life only shouted at me. Said I was supposed to be dead and to get the hell out of his sequel. Gave sword to short dependable type in any case, so not sure if it really matters.

Posted by Missiedith at May 21, 2004 8:13 PM | TrackBack